is public speaking really as bad as i think it is? + me getting more flexible + running errands with headphones on, disconnected from the world.

hey.

so anyway. i think i'm okay with doing something about the whole thing. you know. as much as i want to ignore it and pretend everything is peachy, i can't. i just can't. grrrrr.....

so anyway.

friday was. lol...we had our public speaking(yuk) group presentation, and we were lucky enough to be assigned TWO whole chapters - ethics and diversity, and effective listening. the guy in our group whose laptop we were supposed to use, had technical issues happening with it. we didnt have time to rehearse at all. we had NO idea if our presentation was long enough, or too short, or if we were any good! it's a good thing another friend was around, and she had her laptop. we decided to borrow hers, but strangely enough, all we could get on screen was her desktop background (a picture of her dog). by then, the original laptop had been sorted, and in the end we used that one. it worked, and i thought our presentation went okay. then i found out our score - 9 outta 10!! i guess i'm doing better at public speaking (yuk) than i thought =D cheers, group members!

yoga on saturday was pretty damn cool. i did this thing i had no idea i could. i can't explain it lol it's too complicated. but lying down on my back, knees bent, feet on the floor. hands behind head, and you balance yourself on the crown of your head (yes it kinda does hurt when you have a hard floor under your mat), then i put my elbows on the floor! i was like WHOA! =D

and OH MY GOD i saw the end bit of shut up i was sooo mad i missed it but it's hot damn!

so anyway.

i was at my temp job, and i got send out to get marker pens and rubber bands, cuz we now have to change the date on like 10 000 books of coupons cuz some wiseass decided to change the date of the bazaar. i had my discman with me, and man, now i know why certain people always have headphones on. the music like. disconnects you from the world around you, sorta. you feel a million miles away. but, at the same time, it heightens your awareness. you're in a daze, almost. but you notice everything. it's funky. i like.

song for today - promise by simple plan

"and now you're just slipping away...without you it's just not quite the same..."

yada yada yada.

stupid computer bullshit.

i was trying to get spaces into that last one but i couldnt. it just wouldnt work. screw it, and my apologies.

in a perfect world.

in the words of pierre bouvier, chuck comeau, david desrosiers, sebastien lefebvre and jeff stinco...

i never could have seen this far
i never could have seen this coming
it seems like my world's falling apart
why is everything so hard
i don't think that i can deal
with the things you said
it just won't go away

in a perfect world
this could never happen
in a perfect world
you'd still be here
and it makes no sense
i can just pick up the pieces
but to you this means nothing
nothing at all

i used to think that i was strong
until the day it all went wrong
i think i need a miracle to make it through
i wish that i could bring you back
i wish that i could turn back time
cuz i can't let go
i just can't find my way
without you i just can't find my way

i don't know what i should do now
i don't know where i should go
i'm still here waiting for you
i'm lost when you're not around
i need to hold on to you
i just can't let you go

in a perfect world
this could never happen
in a perfect world
you'd still be here
and it makes no sense
i can just pick up the pieces
but to you this means nothing
nothing at all

you feel nothing
nothing at all

i was listening to this while stapling another million coupon books for HELP's tsunami bazaar at my temp job. i listened to the words, and i don't know...i just felt like i was being heard. i'm not as "oh my god it's the end of the world" as the person in the song, but i can relate, for sure, on some levels. the raw emotion in the song kinda made me feel better...

we have a public speaking presentation on friday that i havent started i'm screwed hah so laters.

song for today - oh jeez it's obvious dontcha think?

all i want is everything. and everything is you.

you know how it is.

you tell yourself to be careful, not to get attached. not to get too involved.

cuz you know that what is yours now may not be yours forever.

cuz you know someday the small steps away from you will become one big step.

but you do it anyway. you can't help yourself. you almost jump into it with reckless abandon. and you enjoy every single moment. okay, maybe not every single moment. but you know, deep down inside, that if you were given a chance to go back and not do it, you wouldnt. you wouldnt change the fact that you got involved. you know that you're that much...richer, in a sense because of what you've been through. because of what you have. or had, depending on how you look at it.

and then, once in a while, when the going gets tough, you tell yourself, see this is why you shouldnt have done this. you tell yourself that this is it. you get mad because you worry about them, and it seems to be for no reason. you get mad because you care so damn much and you can't help it.

you fight for it.

and then somehow, stuff works out. somehow, things arent as bad as they seemed. besides, you know that no matter what you do, you cant stay mad at someone who makes you laugh. somehow, things work themselves out. you're cut, but you just can't help but fall again, with as much, sometimes even more reckless abandon. you think to yourself, i'm setting myself up for more hurt, and more heartache.

but you can't help it.

you remember the good times. you remember the perfect times.

the times you laughed so much it hurts.

the time a simple text message made you feel impossibly safe and protected.

the time you smiled beacuse of two little words.

the time you went to bed and got up with them on your mind.

the innocent teasing.

the promises.

the plans.

you convince yourself that in some crazy way, it's all worth it.

and you know what, it really, truly is. that, i can promise you.

so you go with it. and you enjoy the ups. you hate the downs. but you don't really care about that cuz when you're in the up zone, the downs seem so distant.

so false.

you question if you really felt that way, if you really felt like you wanted out. you think that's crazy and you can't imagine ever wanting out of something like this.

you're caught up in the moment.

you wish this would last forever. and if this was forever, you know you'd be the most content person to have ever lived.

and then it all comes crashing down.

well, okay, maybe it didnt come all crashing down.

but the thing you knew was gonna happen eventually, happens.

you think to yourself - i knew this was bound to happen. i should be okay with it.

but you can't understand why you're not okay with it. why you're so. crushed.

dammit. you got too attached. ooops.

admitting it doesnt make it hurt any less, though.

you picture what you know happened in your head, and you get this really strange feeling in your gut. you guess that's what people mean when they say they felt their hearts sink.

you tell yourself you will be okay. and that really, you feel happy that you had that experience. and that you're happy for them because they're happy. and if there's anyone who deserves to be happy, it's them.

you tell yourself all these things, but you still feel like your heart is somewhere in the region of your ankles.

you tell yourself, once again, you'll be okay.

but deep down inside, you don't know that. you don't know that you'll be okay.

when something is yours for so long, and then it suddenly isn't anymore, you can't possibly just get up the next day and be okay with that.

so what do you do now, you ask yourself. do you let go? you can't even begin to imagine letting go.

do you take a step back? but because the lines were so blurred to begin with, you dont know where you stand now.

a little bit of you doesnt even wanna go there and find out. you don't want to bring it up, almost. because that will mean acknowledging its existence. yet you know you have to. which makes it even more confusing.

you know it's there, but you dont want to.

you think to yourself, it's for the best. but the best for who?

but most importantly, you know that you're a much better person. a stronger person. because it happened.

and for that, you're thankful.

you tell yourself that you'll be okay.

because you have to be.

song for today - you by switchfoot

comment apprécier la vie quand c'est toi qui me manques?

don't read anything into that...it's just a song i'm listening to right now. if you don't know what it means, it's how can i appreciate life when it's you that i lack...or something like that. a lot of the real meaning gets lost in translation =/ okay on second thoughts, read everything into that...

i had my hair cut yesterday morning, after like about 9 months. it wasnt heaps long, and now it isnt heaps short either. it's just layered in places and stuff. the last time i had it cut was before we went to switzerland cuz i didnt want the hassle of having to wash my then kinda long hair every other day when it was all cold and things. then i didnt get it cut cuz my cousin's wedding was coming up, and long hair is easier to deal with. then i didnt get it cut because we were going to phuket and i wanted to get it braided and have really long braids and things. then the damn tsunami had to hit, and we cancelled out trip.

it still kinda freaks me out a little. i mean, if nothing had happened on the 26th, we woulda left for phuket today morning. i'd be there right now. tonight we would have been staying in a hotel that's RIGHT on patong beach. anything could have happened. it could have been tomorrow morning instead of last month.

i feel the saddest for the tourists who went on holiday and never came back. or came back in a box. or in pieces. or came back without a child, or without a parent. a member of their family gone forever. how do you even begin to deal with something like that?? it's incomprehensible. i wouldnt wish that on a person i hate with everything i have, even.

okay i can't think about this anymore.

song for today - remember to breathe by dashboard confessional

my first speech!! ...for the class, anyway =p

yesterday was the second round of icebreaker speeches, and finally, it was my turn! it was only 3 minutes long, but it seemed much, much longer. i started out with writing down - points for visual aids ;) - six different ways to say hi (shalom in hebrew, salut in french, hola in spanish, kalimera in greek and merhaba in turkish, i cant remember the other one). then i talked about how i want to be multilingual, my family, how we love to travel - i brought some pictures of when i was in india, america, and switzerland, one of charlie and i, and one of my brother and i when he was a baby. i then basically talked about what i like - music, animals, bart simpson; and what i dont - working part-time, discussing religion and public speaking. i think i did forget some points, but that's bound to happen no matter how much you practice, so it's all good =)

on the way back from college, i swung by the bookshop of Universiti Malaya, as recommended by Sulay to look for my Intercultural textbook. i had NO idea the place was so massive! i mean, seriously! there were SO many cars in there! on a late friday afternoon, too! it's HUGE they've got like a million departments for what seemed like everything on earth. finding the bookshop wasnt so difficult, but when the guard explained the location to me in malay, it took a few seconds to register what he was actually saying! i guess it's true then, what they say - use it or loose it. i cant remember the last time i had to speak or understand malay! =/

the bookshop was. interesting. they have SO many books, it's amazing they even know where anything is! i didnt have any course outlines with me, so i had to get the names and titles of the books i was looking for via sms (thanks again, guys!), and when they finally found what i was looking for on their computer, they couldnt find it on the shelves! they were supposed to have like TWENTY copies but they couldnt find a single one. and get this - they're selling the book for 28.80, and the guy who's selling the books in college is selling it for 55.00!!! jezuz! now im waiting to hear from mph if they have the books. damn it's never been this annoying to get textbooks...

i have a yoga class in a bit and i have to write a paper about how my culture affects the way i communicate, or something like that.

so, laters!

mon français!

i just got this and i HAD to stick it in here =D i am SO happy what i said made sense to a native french speaker!! yaay! oh but wait she's dutch...

what i said:

salut =)
il y a une foire de voyager par MAS le 19 et 20 février. nous pouvons vérifier le prix du billet pour Myanmar...c'est moins cher. vous dites ma mère les renseignements importants, s'il vous plaît.

what my aunty said back:

Bonjour, ton français est vraiment bien en si peu de temps t'as apris déjà beaucoup. C'est bien.

i heart french =D

intercultural communications...

Yesterday was. Interesting. It was our first official intercultural communications class, and it was, so say the very least, interesting ;) it was good to have Sulay back as our lecturer, which means at the end of the semester when he leaves, AGAIN, we’re only gonna miss him more! I’m actually looking forward to the individual assignments, which include a movie review (something with an intercultural theme – think My Big Fat Greek Wedding…yaay!) and stuff like that. About halfway through class, the electricity went out, and from what I heard it was pretty major. Surprisingly enough, it came back pretty fast! Then I met up with Shu and Kevin “Super Lightning Shorts” again (Ad and I had met them earlier for lunch…) in Perdana. Shu actually got stuck in a lift when the electricity went out, the poor thing lol…

Yesterday was a good day. I don’t usually log day events like this, so you could probably tell it was a good day =)

Today I have my Icebreaker Speech to look forward to (woohoo.), and that’s later. I’ve been awake for…okay not very long, and I’ve gotta rehearse the damn speech, and I’ve got nothing else to say for now, so laters =)

Oh and I realized. This really can’t be like a real journal, cuz you really don’t know who might actually read it. You can’t be telling everyone everything can you? Even if you want to even change everyone’s names and things, stuff might be obvious to some people, you know? I guess that means no deepest, darkest secrets and things ;) sorry!

the first one.

okay technically this is not my first post ever. i had a. thing. on mulitply. i got bored of it though, it sure as hell doesnt shout out to people (people here meaning me). i mean, hell. i got bored of posting. i have to assume that people got bored of reading. my. thing (i can't call it a blog, okay? it was more than that!) looked nothing like jun guan's, which you just have to SEE to believe.

i was actually thinking about importing my posts and chucking them in here, but i decided against it. this is the link: http://nameeta.multiply.com

i wanted to know why millions of people have blogs. okay fine maybe not millions, but it seems like every other tom, dick or poof has one. what sort of allure does letting the world read your thoughts have?

maybe it's just cathartic.

in any case. i jumped onto the blog bandwagon with multiply. cautiously, of course.

i have the whole house to myself right now. it's very very strange, cuz im so used to having an annoying 12 year old prat to boss around. he's in school now, and it's quite amusing actually. sometimes i find it hard to believe that was me just over a year ago, in a uniform and everything. which i must admit, i do miss sometimes.

can i just say it's also freaking humid right now?

something else i've been noticing lately is GET THIS - cars!! i blame need for speed undergorund 2 and my brother. the other day i was going for a movie, and this bright shiny red celica drove up right next to us, and i was like OMG =O it had this massive spoiler and decals and things and...you see what i mean?

it's week two of spring semester 2005, and i've JUST sorted out my subjects and things. it has never taken this long. i blame the department, really. it all started with the foreign lecturer whose visa didnt get approved so he couldnt come here in time to teach intercultural communication. then ad and i decided to take intro to design. of course, all the labs were full by then. we were put on a special waiting list, but by the end of the add/drop period, no one had dropped out. we went through the list, seeing if there was anyone we could convince to drop design. we were that desperate! this was on friday.

on monday when we checked, FOUR people had dropped out of group A alone! so we dropped intercultural, got into design. went for a class. then yesterday, my lecturer who was supposed to have left to get his Ph.D calls me and says intercultural is open again, and i'm teaching it. what did we do? drop design and add intercultural.

it's actually pretty hilarious when you think about it.

i think i'll go race some cars or something.