all i want is everything. and everything is you.

you know how it is.

you tell yourself to be careful, not to get attached. not to get too involved.

cuz you know that what is yours now may not be yours forever.

cuz you know someday the small steps away from you will become one big step.

but you do it anyway. you can't help yourself. you almost jump into it with reckless abandon. and you enjoy every single moment. okay, maybe not every single moment. but you know, deep down inside, that if you were given a chance to go back and not do it, you wouldnt. you wouldnt change the fact that you got involved. you know that you're that much...richer, in a sense because of what you've been through. because of what you have. or had, depending on how you look at it.

and then, once in a while, when the going gets tough, you tell yourself, see this is why you shouldnt have done this. you tell yourself that this is it. you get mad because you worry about them, and it seems to be for no reason. you get mad because you care so damn much and you can't help it.

you fight for it.

and then somehow, stuff works out. somehow, things arent as bad as they seemed. besides, you know that no matter what you do, you cant stay mad at someone who makes you laugh. somehow, things work themselves out. you're cut, but you just can't help but fall again, with as much, sometimes even more reckless abandon. you think to yourself, i'm setting myself up for more hurt, and more heartache.

but you can't help it.

you remember the good times. you remember the perfect times.

the times you laughed so much it hurts.

the time a simple text message made you feel impossibly safe and protected.

the time you smiled beacuse of two little words.

the time you went to bed and got up with them on your mind.

the innocent teasing.

the promises.

the plans.

you convince yourself that in some crazy way, it's all worth it.

and you know what, it really, truly is. that, i can promise you.

so you go with it. and you enjoy the ups. you hate the downs. but you don't really care about that cuz when you're in the up zone, the downs seem so distant.

so false.

you question if you really felt that way, if you really felt like you wanted out. you think that's crazy and you can't imagine ever wanting out of something like this.

you're caught up in the moment.

you wish this would last forever. and if this was forever, you know you'd be the most content person to have ever lived.

and then it all comes crashing down.

well, okay, maybe it didnt come all crashing down.

but the thing you knew was gonna happen eventually, happens.

you think to yourself - i knew this was bound to happen. i should be okay with it.

but you can't understand why you're not okay with it. why you're so. crushed.

dammit. you got too attached. ooops.

admitting it doesnt make it hurt any less, though.

you picture what you know happened in your head, and you get this really strange feeling in your gut. you guess that's what people mean when they say they felt their hearts sink.

you tell yourself you will be okay. and that really, you feel happy that you had that experience. and that you're happy for them because they're happy. and if there's anyone who deserves to be happy, it's them.

you tell yourself all these things, but you still feel like your heart is somewhere in the region of your ankles.

you tell yourself, once again, you'll be okay.

but deep down inside, you don't know that. you don't know that you'll be okay.

when something is yours for so long, and then it suddenly isn't anymore, you can't possibly just get up the next day and be okay with that.

so what do you do now, you ask yourself. do you let go? you can't even begin to imagine letting go.

do you take a step back? but because the lines were so blurred to begin with, you dont know where you stand now.

a little bit of you doesnt even wanna go there and find out. you don't want to bring it up, almost. because that will mean acknowledging its existence. yet you know you have to. which makes it even more confusing.

you know it's there, but you dont want to.

you think to yourself, it's for the best. but the best for who?

but most importantly, you know that you're a much better person. a stronger person. because it happened.

and for that, you're thankful.

you tell yourself that you'll be okay.

because you have to be.

song for today - you by switchfoot